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allsortsofgrr
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Country: United States
State: Washington
Metro: Seattle
Birthday: 9/17/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: writing, reading, hanging out in coffee shops, shopping, getting to know people, movies, and star gazing.
Expertise: Friends -I pretty much know everything about the series.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  radikkel
Member Since:
10/8/2003
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| It's March, 2009, and my whole world has changed since I last wrote. I used to enjoy writing on here, pouring out my heart to this very public website, reading what other people have on their mind...
But things are different now, aren't they? I'm married, I've moved to Everett, and I've lost most of my friends. I'm not sure where my faith is, I have so many questions. I feel disconnected in almost every way: emotionally, spiritually, maybe even physically. I used to be able to communicate my feelings pretty well, now I have a hard time relating to people. I had many dreams back then. I'm pretty sure this was never it.
On the surface level, I guess you can call me lucky. I married the man I fell in love with. We still love each other, and despite marriage being hard, we manage to work through things. The economy is so bad, but I still have a job, so does Steve. We're making the best out of what we have. My birth father and I are on phone talking terms, eventually I will meet him in person, but at the very moment, I'm still not ready. And even though I've lost practically all my friends, there are still a couple that I've reconnected with, and when our schedule allows us, we can still hang out and catch up.
But that is the surface level. | | |
| What did they do to xanga? The whole layout is messy... it's like... a facebook-wannabe.
I used to think I was decent with my communication skills, may it be through talking or writing. Lately, it feels like no matter what I write or say make sense to people anymore. I find myself repeating a lot. It's like people don't get what I'm saying or what I'm getting at. And what seems simple enough to me does not seem simple to other people. I'm tired of going through the same fights and dealing with the same problems.
What happen to being civil with each other? Polite, respectful... Why is it when you bring girls together, they end up talking smack about someone? Regardless of who it is, it's talking smack about someone.
I don't like this person, or I don't like the way this person dresses or looks or sounds...
How about for once think about why you got together in the first place? To hang out, enjoy each other's presence. I don't care who is there or if you're not comfortable with someone. Push it aside and just for heaven's sake, be civil and enjoy yourself. No one is asking anyone to be anyone's best friend.
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| Lately I've been feeling a bit melancholy. I'm not sure why, I guess I just don't feel the holiday spirit... I thought this year's Christmas will be magical, I was looking forward to it so much. But it's mid way through December and I still can't seem to get into the mood. Steve and I spent last Saturday in downtown Seattle, just so we can enjoy a day together, and it was a lot of fun. We ate at the Portage Bay Cafe for breakfast, went to Pike Place Market and even watched people all dressed up singing Christmas carols. We saw the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton Hotel, watched Beowulf in 3D at Pacific Place, went on the carousel at Westlake and drive around Candy Cane lane on Ravenna... it was a great day. But when it was all over, everything went back to normal. I know it's just me, but I can't seem to figure out how to help myself.
Maybe I've just lost sight on the true meaning of Christmas. I don't know.
But honestly -- my life...it's more than I can ask for. I love Steve very much and I know I can always find comfort in knowing that he loves me very much as well. I've got the cutest cats in the world, and I've got friends that I can always count on. Sometimes I look at these blessings and I feel so undeserving. No one has loved me the way Steve has...is... always... and there are many moments when I'm terrified it'd all vanish somehow. Some people have great things that happen in their life and it stays... the good things in my life have always been momentary. The idea that I would have Steve's love for the rest of my life, sometimes is too good to be true. I can't predict the future, and that scares me. I don't doubt Steve, but I doubt life.
What has become of me to be this cynical? I've come to realize lately that for most of my life, I've lived in fear. I have more confidence in the bad things then the good, when life is good, I doubt it'd last. I'm always afraid that if I'd left myself go and enjoy everything to its true value, it'd be gone and it would hurt so much more.
It's not a great way to live, and I am trying to work myself into a better way of thinking. But trust and confidence in the things unknown come slowly to me. And as much as I try, I know it'll take baby steps and a lot of time for me to gain freedom from the limitations I give myself.
My mind feels scattered, maybe that's why I haven't felt the Christmas spirit yet. Pray for me.
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| I can't sleep. It's almost 1am...actually, it is 1 am. For the past year, I've been going to bed at 10pm, this is a rare thing for me to still be awake. But for some reason, I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning for the past hour, I figured a little journaling might help sleep to come along a little faster. I can literally hear Sirus destroying our Christmas tree in the background. Thank goodness it's a fake tree, and well...thank goodness the 4 or so ornaments that have been broken aren't that expensive. I'm going to wait on having nice ornaments next year when the cats are a little bit more mature... hopefully, maybe. Right now they're just too curious, and no matter how many time outs or how loud you scream at them, they are still fascinated by the strange tree that is standing in our living room.
It's already December... I almost couldn't believe it. The year flew by and I am barely comprehending all that has happened. Steve and I have celebrated our one year anniversary the end of last month. A year. Wow. Our wedding date is set and we've even found a place for the wedding. In fact, we even have our honeymoon booked. I guess a lot can happen in the matter of a year. I finally feel like I've moved on to another chapter in my life. For the longest time, I've made my plans with these ... limitations that I thought I was bound to. But ever since I've moved to Everett, I feel like my dependence on my friends has lessen and my mind is more focused on the future. I'm not the little girl that lived to my parent's rules anymore, in a year, I'll be married. I used to think I could never live far away from my friends, but lately I've been entertaining the idea of leaving Washington. I love my friends, so very much, and I always will, but for the first time, I feel like I have the freedom to go live --however and where ever. I've talked to Steve about it, and no, we're not set on moving or anything at all really, but it's nice to know we have more options than what Washington has to offer. Who knows what will happen?
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| Anyone with musical talent that wants to play for my wedding? Violins, piano, flute? Vocals? I've been looking for people to play for the ceremony but I'm scared they may not be that good. I would rather ask people I know personally...
Let me know if you're willing :)
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